Tuesday, 18 October 2016

The Dystopian Hell of Adventure Bay.

I will put my hands up and say it, Elliot probably watches a bit too much Nick Jr and the surrounding channels (Nick Jr Peppa is legit both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was able to delete all the episodes we had saved in the Sky+ planner because the little pink shit is ALWAYS ON. Yes, we had to fill all that space with other inane shit, but it's all swings and roundabouts really.)

I want to throw a disclaimer in there and say we do go out, we do have adventures and we do play, but after a marathon leaf painting session, or a three hour round trip to the park, I am going to put the telly on. I'm weak.

Today, I wish to talk about Paw Patrol. For the un-initiated (lol) here is the opening sequence.

I've noticed some weird shit is going down in Adventure Bay. I don't trust anyone who lives in that bloody town. Who on EARTH would put all their trust, every aspect of their emergency services in DOGS? An animal who will poo on a twig and then, within seconds, try to eat said twig. What the hell is wrong with these people?

These dogs have been tampered with, my friends. There's some dodgy shit going on in the waters of Adventure Bay. I mean, it's not like all animals can talk. That chicken can't say a single word. The cats that appear every now and then can't talk, so what makes these dogs so special? Some weird shit went down in the Paw Patroller, I'm telling you now.

Know who's behind it? Mayor fucking Goodway, I'll tell you now. She acts dumb but she caused all this mess, I bet you. She's a secret criminal mastermind who messed around with these poor, defenceless puppies and now she feels the need to call on them every minute of the day just to make herself feel better. Not only have these dogs got jobs, but they're on call 24/7. Humans crack under that pressure, let alone animals that enjoy pissing up trees.

One last thing. This is sliding down the scale from Dystopian fucking Hell to Logistical Nightmare, but it still irks me. These poor pups with jobs, once they finally crawl into their beds after saving a chicken for the fifth time that day, have to sleep in their car?! I mean, I'm no genius when it comes to cars. I'm pretty clueless, but even I'm sure an engine has to go in there somewhere. It's like Bear Grylls getting inside that camel, it's just unnecessary. I mean, Everest not only has been banished to the forest, but she has to live inside a snow plow? Even prisoners get beds.

I've gone too deep haven't I? Writing this has made me realise I have a shit ton of feelings about a kids TV show. This week we're definitely having a Paw Patrol detox, I need to step away before I start screaming at the telly and all my hair falls out due to stress of working it all out.

(I have so many more questions about other shows on telly, if you want me to delve into the philosophical* meanings behind Peppa, I will gladly do so.)

*I have no philosophical knowledge, it will be me explaining that they're all in Hell because of the giant potato man. Is it a giant potato? Is it a man in a costume? Who knows! WHO KNOWS!

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